Recovery (a working definition) – ‘A process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life and strive to reach their full potential.’
“There is just something about you,” mused Eddie.
“You walk into a room and people assume you think you are better than them.” This was a very astute observation from my new BFF.
Eddie and I were locked up in a pretty house, in the picturesque Essex countryside with a bunch of other nutcases with a plethora of addictions, varying degrees of disordered personalities and chaotic lives.
2015 was my first rodeo in the world of addiction recovery and I was loving it! Having survived boarding school and London based Corporate America, relatively unscathed, or so in my nativity, I believed – I adored any kind of group or team activity. I was big on teambuilding exercises, I loved training sessions of any kind. Anything that involved fun, new information, a competitive edge and collaboration.
Cross boarding school with the Big Brother house and remove all substances and you will not even come close to the mayhem that occurs behind those locked doors! There is a lot of joy too. A great deal of laughs. Much more than tears.
In my workplace, I was aware colleagues were intimidated by me. My communication was clear, direct and I expected people to do their jobs. I was constantly disappointed and without the emotional intelligence to vent my frustrations in a healthy manner, I internalized everything, blamed myself and drank to quieten the broken washing machine that banged and thumped around my skull day and night.
Eddie was a jolly Scottish lady in her 60’s with bright red spikey hair and Dame Edna Everage glasses. She was Bipolar, alcoholic, with a cocktail of prescribed and illegal drugs as part of her story. She had travelled the world in blackout, finding herself in countries and situations that she was lucky to have survived. With the support of her long-suffering husband who sounded like a Saint, her life was like some crazy movie that would make ‘The Hangover’ seem fit for children.
I would come to understand that real life is far more shocking, interesting and inspirational than fiction. The stories I would hear and what people survived and overcame are truly miraculous. Of course, most fiction is based on real life. We just don’t get the privilege of meeting the survivors.
FYI – They are everywhere, around us all the time. Ordinary people doing extraordinary things. Stories of survival and overcoming are a legacy of our humanity and this gave me hope for my own recovery.
What Eddie had observed in people’s reaction to me was that they assumed I was the therapist when I walked into any room. Once they realized I was not the therapist, their overt resentment for my mere presence became apparent.
I couldn’t help it. It had always been an issue for me. At school, at work. Self-respect and daring to challenge was deemed arrogance. I was a few years away from understanding that when we are disturbed by another individual, we must consider what it is within us that has caused the disturbance. So, I took on all of that resentment and believed there was something wrong with me. If my confidence was so disturbing for others, then I must be less.
“People assume you think you are better than them.” Eddie had stated.
She followed with, “Maybe, it’s because you are.”
This stroked my ego and made me smile. I pondered if there was any truth in that. I wrestled with it for quite a while, years in fact, concluding that I was only better than other people if they thought I was. I would know by the way they treated me. Therefore, it must be their perception and not mine. I did not believe I was better than anyone else but perhaps, better at certain things. There was no evidence of me treating people that way. I needed to work on my communication and delivery. Among the millions of other things I must learn about drastic ego deflation, to stay sober and survive.
I was relieved that this was one problem I could give back to someone else. I quickly realised, I had checked in to resolve one addiction and was discovering that this was a Pandora's Box. Food, eating disorders, Attachment Styles, Co-dependence, Golden Child, King Baby and God know what else! This box needed to be opened slowly and carefully and once open, handled with extreme care.
I got the hang of Rehab really quickly. I could see how it all worked. I was determined to enjoy it, work hard, figure out this drinking thing and go back to work and live my life. I had so much to learn!
Spoiler alert – I clung on to sobriety for 10 months and drank again for over two years before trying again.
All the therapists said I’d make a great therapist. I had an ability to see through the lies and self-deception of my peers quickly and feedback insight that shined a light on the biggest issues they were ignoring and minimizing. Whether they were locked in for addictions, stealing things, acute anxiety and depression, hypervigilance is a great tool for sensing the lie that sounds just like the truth.
I thought it was a new skill acquired in sobriety. Like a light illuminating a dark room. I realized much later, that it was a life skill, a gift. Something that had delivered a great deal of success and profit for the organizations I consulted for. Clients trusted me quickly and I always got the job done.
It seemed that even the therapists treated me differently once I was established in the group and proved I was a good inmate. Story of my life. Everyone projecting such high hopes onto me. Wanting to recreate themselves in my image. My parents, my bosses, sometimes my partners. No wonder I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to be when I grew up!
Everyone in rehab was planning their rebrand! Counsellor, therapist, sober companion, guru! I just wanted to figure out this drinking thing. Get myself straight and see when I would be able to drink again safely in the future. Idiot! Stupid! Naïve! Ego driven after all. I thought I understood it all. I knew nothing!
Every single one of us relapsed and more than a few are dead. For those of us who didn’t know, we think of an alcoholic death as ending up in a hospital bed. I can tell you that many do not progress that far. The suffering of a spiritual death drives many to check out, on their own terms long before the irreparable physical degradation sets in.
I had a lot to learn about addiction, recovery, trauma myself, Life, The Universe and Everything before I bowed to the pressure and decide how or if I was meant to be doing this kind of work.
Whilst seeking those answers, ironically, I was 42 when my world was just unmanageable enough again to be forced back into rehab. Proving that I had not learnt anything. I had not seen my own truth. That day brought me to my knees and with it some kind of humility.
If I was going to survive, I had to put myself first. My oxygen mask. My recovery.
I also knew I risked losing everything. My job, my home, my possessions. I figured if I was sober and sane, I’d have plenty of time to start again.
A house built on shaky foundations does not stand the test of time.
And with that the second stage of my life began. Acquiring wisdom, emotional intelligence striving for spiritual progress was the goal I didn’t know I needed to score. Secure and continuous sobriety had to come first!
Becoming a Coach for me was no accident or a conscious decision. I was busy trying other things. My first qualification was achieved because I was one click of a mouse away from being accepted into the Metropolitan Police!
Stay tuned for more on the circumstances that guided me to where I needed to be.
Peace & Love,
Elizabeth & Jonnie
Imagine what could be achieved without the racing thoughts and the constant noise? Imagine the energy that could be spent elsewhere? That busy brain burns up our precious human resources!
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