THE POWER
As the story unfolded, my character looks for answers in her past, to her present dangers. I went with her. I had always suspected there was something I was missing. As a coach, I often ask clients when they felt the most confident, capable or safe. To unlock the mystery of my own shortcomings – my perceived failures to launch to the heights I believed I was capable of in my career and in my relationships – I considered that it was at Boarding School where I achieved some of the things I am most proud of. I did the work and was recognised and rewarded for it. Academically, on the sports field and many extracurricular activities. I blazed the way for change and empowerment and everyone benefited.
I thought it was a normal part of growing up to find that we are no longer top of the pile and have to start at the bottom again. I neglected to take those internal resources with me. I reinvented myself to a degree. I grew into an adult, suppressing the best bits of me. For many reasons described in my novel.
As the chapters all slotted neatly into their proper place, I was pleased with the ending. I reread it and triumph surged in my heart. I felt, strong, confident and proud. I had done it. Jonnie and I had done it. She has an entire chapter dedicated to her.
As I wrote, things were still swirling around in my life. The ‘murder house’ featured in the book was sold. I was scrabbling to get my visa paperwork renewed to secure my future in France. I had been so cruelly and suddenly displaced that I had no income and had not yet registered my business or formally made myself a tax resident. These were all important challenges I needed to overcome. Day by day, I progressed in my little bubble until an e-mail arrived.
A flying monkey. I can’t tell you what these seemingly small things do to an already fragile nervous system. A long walk and a good nights sleep and the Epilogue was written. 10 years later, I was keen to prove a point. Behaviours are predictors and as I was writing a novel and not reading my crystal ball, I wanted to take all the experience and all my research to theorize a future for my more unlikeable characters as well as a deserving outcome for those who had suffered too long.
Writing this felt electric. Like my fingers were buzzing. It felt incredible to tie everything up neatly. I was tempted to leave it all hanging and for the reader to make up their own minds about the character’s fate. Then I reminded myself why I was writing. Me first, my audience second.
The day after I was sure it was finished, I received a phone call. Once again I was completely shocked and yet, not surprised. The story had played out around me over decades, climaxing during 2023 and every phone call and e-mail, text message and sign gave me more plot perspective. The Epilogue got another few paragraphs as more shocking truth was revealed on that phone call. Serving to reinforce the inevitable truth of the novel’s themes.
Having spent so much time in the past, I had revisited important influences in my life. One lovable character, who merits only a brief mention in chapter 3, is my retired English teacher. PhD, Literary Coach and proofreader with nine novels under his belt, I couldn’t think of anyone better to give me an honest perspective on my writing.
I didn’t want anyone to blow smoke up my arse. I needed to be told straight. Somewhere along the line, I had realized that I am only ever in flow when I am writing. I can get there without effort. A carefully constructed work e-mail. A presentation or proposal document. I pour everything I’ve got into it.
Working as a chef, I could find it but not as easily. A kitchen is an environment where one needs to have one ear out most of the time. Somewhere along the line I was concluding that I wanted to do more of this. A lot more. If I wanted to write, I would need it generate an income. I needed to know if I had what it takes.
I was pleasantly surprised by his feedback. He seemed to think he was offending me when I was delighted by what he was saying. After reading a few chapters he wondered where it was going. He reminded me of Horace, the famous Roman writer who suggests all books must start ‘in medius res’. Roughly in the middle. Gripping readers with an exciting event, whetting their appetite to find out what happens next. Instead, though, the writer takes the reader back to explain what led up to that event, and the next event. Holding the attention of the audience and ensuring they want to keep reading.
I knew that with the Prologue starting in the middle, at chapter 5, he was going to get a good dose of Horace’s suggestion. I didn’t know about Horace. I don’t think knowing about him would have helped me write in this way. I like this genre of book and so I wrote like I speak or present. I wrote how I would tell the story to a friend. Horace would be satisfied.
‘All the makings of an excellent novel, here. I have been engrossed in the narrative’, ‘You definitely have a future’. ' You appear somewhat of an expert in the psychological aspects of the story', ' It is both believable and interesting'. Comments like these left me feeling very content.
One of my favourite Positive Psychology Interventions is called ‘The Best Possible Self’, developed by Laura King in 2001. We can choose to write about four traumatic events from our past. Writing 20 minutes a day for four days. (BPS Workbook and Instructions available – message me or comments for a free copy) Or we can write about four possible scenarios in our future where we are living in our Best Possible Future. The research shows that whether writing about trauma or an as yet unfulfilled future, the positive benefits to our overall health and wellbeing are similar. The process of writing uplifts us physically, psychologically and emotionally with positive affect lasting up to twelve weeks.
I had decided to treat my life as one big Positive Psychology Intervention. A OneLife Project. Creating my Best Possible Self. Using everything I applied myself to as an intervention to elevate my baselines. Writing my novel was no different. I wasn’t putting a pen to paper, which is the instruction but the principles of writing about traumatic events while striving for a healthy positive outcome was the same.
If I had not been able to write with relative ease, if I was feeling low during the process, I would have stopped. I am not a sadist but I do like to complete things. Fortunately that was not my experience. Having used the trauma writing before, I felt safe enough with Jonnie by my side to keep going. I knew how I felt before and I trusted the research.
Considering that each painful chapter was taking me towards the next powerful ones kept me going and always in the knowledge that this is my life. There is not an option for giving up on that. I wrote like my life and my future depended on it. Writing was the only thing in my life at that time that I had full control of. It felt amazing to take my power back from people and situations that I had unwittingly given it to or those who had tried to steal it for themselves. This is my party and I’ll write if I want to.
I had learnt from my Masters that we rarely estimate our time accurately for planning and almost never allocate time for thinking and reflecting. There needs to be space between the idea and the execution for the magic to flow through us.
I have heard the ‘gurus’ talk about how their books flowed through them, creating the illusion of a miracle while encouraging us to buy the roadmap to becoming a millionaire or creating a ‘multi seven-figure’ something or other. I had hoped that maybe there was some truth in this method.
I wanted it to be easy. I wanted my Higher Power in my process. Because to write my novel I needed to feel safe. All the content was mine to share but I did not write this novel alone. I had my friends, my fellows, my Amazons from the book with me every step of the way. So, in many respects, just like my recovery, it took a village.
I have been told the book will publish on the 25th of March, 2025. By an unsurprising Universal coincidence, the exact date a year after I completed it! It is also being read by a prolific Editor and Director at Pan MacMillan in London. One is a definite and the other would be a dream come true.
Whatever we want to achieve, whatever crazy process and strategy we choose to do it, knowing what you need and who you need it from on the journey is a huge part of getting the job done. Only you know what that is.
I hope you have enjoyed this insight into my literary journey. Let me know in the comments if you want to know more. Or come on over to Instagram @seeking_quietwaters to see some of the story played out in real time.
Much Love,
Elizabeth & Jonnie
Next week, a short article publishing in Becoming an Unstoppable Woman Magazine (33 countries, available online and on Amazon) on the journey of self-discovery towards creation of our own psychological safety.
Jonnie, taking a break from being my practice proofreader. February 2023.
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