Was I ready to rescue myself? Not yet.
However, I was starting to see where the responsibility lies. How do we go from powerless to fearless? It is within us all.
A therapist might throw you the life preserver and talk you in. A coach will suggest you stop struggling and stand up.
‘Rejection is Protection’ I repeated for the umpteenth time.
Mid 2019, nearly a year since I left my industry. It was time to accept that my heart just wasn’t in the process. It took a while to lean into the fear rather than allowing it to engulf me. Whether my industry was rejecting me or I was rejecting it, the end result was the same.
We were no longer compatible and had broken up once and for all. It’s not me, it’s you! I already knew that switching sector and role at the same time is the hardest career transition to make. They teach you that in the classrooms of the School of Damaged Egos and Self Esteem. A parting gift to those loyal staff members whose contributions are rendered null and void in the Corporate reshuffle. Where your role is cleverly rebranded and they pretend it fulfils is a completely different function. One YOU clearly couldn’t do! Emperor’s new clothes!
I digress.
When the Pandemic hit in Q1 2020, I gave up. I relaxed a little. With the mortgage and loan breaks, I could breathe a financial sigh of relief and settled in to watch back-to-back episodes of the US version of ‘The Office’ – feeling grateful that my dislike for Ricky Gervais had stopped me watching the show until now. It delighted me. Day after day, it reminded me of the lunacy of what I had left behind.
I expect my deep dive into humour cushioned me somewhat from the insanity that was playing out on social media and in the streets, as scared and disgruntled citizens pushed back against yet another crime against humanity.
I wiled away my time as a call companion for Re-Engage for the lonely, shopping with Lewisham Council for the elderly and all my shielding neighbours. Queuing for hours on behalf of others at the post office, enabling their descent into online shopping addictions, as I returned day after day with yet another regretful, shame-based purchase to remit.
I saw a meme that stood out among the millions that were flying around.
‘Introverts – Check on your extrovert friends. They are not OK.’
I began calling around my ex-colleagues and friends, far and wide. I was genuinely concerned for them all. Financial woes as redundancies reigned down and furlough took hold, childcare concerns – I don’t need to go on. You all lived through it.
I was spending five hours a day on the phone for weeks. Often hearing from more distant acquaintances,
‘I feel like I’ve just had a therapy session!’
There it was again. I wouldn’t dare to therapise someone while untrained. It’s wasn’t my job, I hadn’t been given permission and my purpose was simple connection, empathy and a listening ear. It helped me immensely too. Nonetheless, I was pleased to have left someone mentally lighter, if not financially, than when I found them!
I didn’t know that Simon Sinek was going to herald the concept that just eight minutes of genuine connection can have a significant positive effect on a person’s general well-being and mental health. So simple. A gift of time and space.
Recovery and Fellowship had shown me what acts of service truly are.
Speaking of recovery, I was approaching two years sober and I still wasn’t sponsoring. How could I even consider this field if I wasn’t giving away what had so freely been given to me?
I began looking in earnest for signs of which direction to take. Going backwards was not an option.
I realized I had grown up in the world of Corporate America. Highly trained in Relationship selling, Negotiation and Strategic Account Management and I wracked my brain for an example of when I had ever actually needed to ‘close’ a client. Sales training was very much aligned to the field of Coaching that was merging tactfully within global organisations.
This was the key. I never needed to close because the client was already sold. Trust and rapport had been built and they knew their project was in safe hands.
I began researching the world of Coaching, in earnest. It was already beset with excellent marketeers and I was turned off by their bold and intangible claims. As well as the unsolicited, saccharine messages I was besieged with, as my algorithms shifted accommodate my interest and artificial intelligence penetrated my relatively technology free mental environment.
I realized that as an employee, I had no concept of how to start a business, let alone how to navigate the online space while living life in the real world and attracting real clients to work with.
I needed a new kind of education. Twenty-five years of experience was only relevant if I could reach people. A Universal problem for great coaches and therapists online.
I did three things.
Paid an eye watering amount of dollars for an Online Business Mastery Mentorship. I was falling out of love with London and realizing that I would never feel the way I wanted to feel if I stayed still. I had to sell my first flat in London to pay for it. The flat was hemorrhaging money I didn’t have. I was running on fumes. Tenants hadn’t paid rent, things were breaking down and the cladding crisis forced me to leave £100k plus of profit on the table as I sold it for a song to a millionaire cash buyer and I was devastated.
I invested in an ICF accredited coaching course. Another £3k and change for a laptop. I sold every piece if jewellery I owned, which wasn’t much. Most of it gifts from my parents’ time in Iraq. I had no children to leave a legacy and I reasoned I was simply turning actual gold into metaphorical gold. A couple of handbags sold on Vestiaire Collective and I was good to go.
My entire history was gone. 20 years of hard work was disappearing before my eyes and I still had more to lose.
I completed all the work in two months. I was desperate.
Finally, I applied to do my Masters at the University of East London. One of only two universities in the world offering this combination of Applied Positive Psychology, with Coaching Psychology. I had no money left. Finance was the only option. I went through hell and back, jumping through their hoops and despite all my efforts, the approval did not arrive in time for me to start the semester.
I was losing my mind.
2020 - Alone but not lonely. More text below.
I was meditating, running, walking and hanging onto my sanity because at this point, I had acquired three women to take through the 12 Steps. I couldn’t let them or myself down by falling apart now! I knew that the work would ease my discomfort.
A few people in my old industry had claimed that they would make great life coaches. I had been horrified at the thought.
When I agreed to sponsor for the first time, I had a very important conversation with myself. I knew I needed to prove to myself that I was a good sponsor and therefore, a good coach. Only me.
I could only be responsible for my part. If one of them drank again, it was their choice to do so and one that was completely out of my control. If they didn’t do the work or benefit from the experience of the process, their outcome would be directly proportional to their effort.
I can bring the energetic deficit. I can do that. But I can’t do the work for someone else.
This gave me the confidence to complete everything within one year. I had three sober women with hopeful futures. A master’s in science. An extraordinary insight and practical experience with the back end of social media and running a business online. I was still scared with only pennies left in the bank.
And no one was knocking on my door. No one cared.
During this time, I discovered what it means to flourish through suffering. As I broke down on a call with my course leader it was clear to her, if not to me that I was not OK. I was offered outside help. 6 sessions of CBT and 6 of counselling.
What do you think helped me the most in overcoming my discomfort?
The Universe had some surprises in store that no one could possibly have predicted. My plot twist was about to get really interesting and my wellbeing restored in the in the most unexpected of ways!
2021 - Emirates Stadium, Diamond Club kitchen, London. Two Michelin Star Executive French Chef. The best team in the industry - Oh....and me!
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