Blog #10 – Reward for Safe Return of Missing Gratitude – If found please return to this address. We miss her terribly.

Jonnie and I have been in our new location for just over two weeks now.

After the shock and exhaustion of yet another move subsided and possessions naturally migrated into their proper places, I began to notice that a few things were missing. Two sets of linen pillowcases were not with their duvet covers. Where the hell were the ancient shiny stone orbs that I lovingly lugged bag from my third trip to Morocco? My laptop charger, carefully packed with my other adapters had inexplicably disappeared.

Inconvenient, frustrating and sad. Who doesn’t HATE losing things. I can’t bring myself to think about the money, high value items I have lost or carelessly discarded during my drinking days. In recovery we have a term for it – it is practically a technical term due to the universal nature of this behaviour.

‘Frantic searching.’

This is a pattern repeated hundreds of times a day with keys, wallets, bags, travel cards, literally anything you can think of, leaving one in a constant state of panic. Nearly six years free of that nightmare I try to be present in my actions around items and people of value. I listen to the voice in my head that says,

‘Are you sure it’s a good idea to put that in there?’ or ‘Hhhhhmmmmmm, that’s a little close to the edge.’ Or 'Don't say that now. It won't land right today.'

What remains in my life today is here because I value it or them. We must take care with the things and relationships that are important to us or risk losing them.

During my first few days here, I became very aware that something I value above all things did not appear too have made it to our new location.

My attitude of gratitude.

The overwhelming feelings were, a very familiar sense of fear and a kind of numbness. This was most unexpected! I was exactly where I wanted to be. I had enjoyed the most extraordinary acts of kindness and comradery to get me to this point and I couldn’t muster even a tiny spark of gratitude?

What was wrong with me?

It is relentlessly hot here. Despite spending many years in the Middle East, I have never tried to live and work like this. Had I crashed into the Menopause overnight? Every joint seemed to ache and my self-determination (motivation) was also missing in action. She can usually be found, skipping hand in hand with gratitude.

Oh, no, I lamented with a sinking heart, this was worse than I thought! After moving mountains to get here, taking all the right actions – to fall at the final fence was unfathomable. It simply is not an option.

I spoke about gratitude on a Live with another Coach a few years ago, hypothesizing how our introduction to gratitude as children is cognitive and conceptual and wildly incorrect. We grow up with a confused and uncomfortable relationship with gratitude because we have not been properly introduced to it. I will explain.

Did your parents/ teachers/ managers tell you that you should feel grateful for something because:

a) They said so

b) Some other unknown person doesn’t have what you have

c) Someone did something for you or gave something to you, whether you wanted them to or not

As a mentor to women in recovery, I love the moment I know that someone I am working with has finally met with the FEELING of gratitude face to face. I get why it is hard for parents, or at least the parents of my generation to convey gratitude. Saying ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ becomes an automatic response and no one tells us to pause and to really FEEL what we feel as we receive what it is that we are being given. Especially the simplest and most humble of gifts. Maybe that’s someone’s time or any act of service that is unconditional.

The problem with a) b) and c) is that they are transactional and conditional. B) is particularly problematic as it brings with it guilt and shame. Like, we had better be grateful or one day we might not have the thing that is being offered. Like something bad will happen to us if we are not grateful. That’s the guilt.

Is it the most common of the ‘shoulds’ around an emotion in childhood? We know now, as functioning adults that no one can tell us how we ‘should’ feel. We feel a certain way or we don’t. We can’t feel it because we are told to feel it and because we are not feeling it correctly enough for our parents or teachers somehow, we must be doing something wrong. That’s the shame.

In my experience, gratitude appears in the least conditional and transactional of circumstances. I say, ‘in my experience’ because I am aware that we do not all experience emotions in the same way. Happiness for me is brightly coloured and frenetic with a high energy and for one client it is muted blues and a tranquil sense of calm.

I grew up in relative privilege. This provided opportunities. That was my normal. I wasn’t grateful to have been sent away to boarding school. Something people believe other children would be grateful for.

I was, however incredibly grateful when I arrived and realized I was going to love it. That felt like the best secret. What began feeling like a punishment became a gift. My parents did not facilitate the gift. I would have to suck it up, whether I loved it or hated it. The universe provided the opportunity to feel grateful. It was a gift meant specifically for me.

That is why we call it an attitude of gratitude. How we find gratitude or how gratitude finds us is through keeping our eyes and minds open. It is a kind and loving emotion. It gives unconditionally. It doesn’t want us to feel guilt or shame because of it.

Gratitude can be cultivated but it cannot be contrived. It can be found if it is sought.

We know from the research that gratitude is the most powerful indicator of wellbeing and yet we are facing a global mental health crisis of anxiety and depression. Where is gratitude hiding?

I had expected to feel highly grateful upon my arrival in Autignac. We had worked hard co-creating the opportunity. As I pondered my missing gratitude, I realized that I was operating under a pattern of old thinking. I didn’t feel grateful and so I was punishing myself mentally for not feeling it. I resolved to feel the other uncomfortable feelings that were present and patiently wait for her return.

This didn’t last long as once we know better, we do better. I can’t feel what I don’t feel but I knew she hadn’t left me forever. She deserved a little holiday as she had seen me through the twists and turns of the last eighteen months with grace and joy. She had surprised and delighted me when sadness and despair had threatened to stay too long.

I knew she would return and all I had to do was wait and welcome her back when she was ready.

Because for me, the most powerful gratitude comes through when I least expect it and need it the most which is every day. I want as much as I can handle. It ignites the superpowers that help me do what I do!

Two weeks after she buggered off for her Summer break, she returned – tanned, relaxed and boy did she deliver the spiritual shot I had been missing!

NOTE: I have been practicing daily gratitude intervention for nearly 6 years. I don’t write lists. There are some amazing interventions from Positive Psychology – peer reviewed and research backed that leverage and lengthen the positive affect of this powerful emotion. (Comment or contact for more information - Always happy to talk gratitude!)

BLOG #11 Part 2 – Gratitude Returns and brings connection & opportunity with her!

Coming soon.

Peace & Love,

Elizabeth & Jonnie

Moments that usually delight me. Like my gratitude, fuzzy and way off in the distance - just beyond my reach. - Balmy evening strolls in Herault, South West France.