Blog #8 - Part 2 – Untreated, stealthy and subconsciously running rampant! The consequences of a powerful limitation that refused to stay buried.

There is a stigma about cutting people out of our lives. Family estrangement is as abundant as abusive relationships of every kind. Yet somehow, with little to no context, a person who chooses solitude and peace over the chaos of a dysfunctional family, workplace or relationship often finds themselves judged and demonized.

“You only get one mother/father” is a popular one. “Life’s too short, be the bigger person.” So many trite, throw away turns of phrase, delivered with creased brows in tones of earnest sincerity. Against my own screaming instincts, I often chose other peoples borrowed truisms over my own wisdom and intuition. I don’t anymore.

But sometimes I have to catch myself. “It’s quicker this way, Elizabeth.” You go that way, I’ll go this way and we can see who gets there first. Life is too short to be distracted by misdirection. One of my biggest life lessons in this story is that to trust myself completely, I must fail and make my own mistakes. I expect to fall and to fail. I'd rather it happen on my own terms than because I placed more value on the guidance of others, than my own experience.

Over the years I have been told by each spiritual visitor into my life that I was born into the wrong family. Most recently, two of my oldest friends who have never met each other told me the exact same thing. I felt it strongly as a child. I didn’t want to be there any more than they seemed to want me around. Maybe even as young as two or three, they must have wondered why I was always running away.

There is a Celtic legend that says that before we are born into our human form, our spirit choses the trials that we are to face. I used to think this was rather beautiful. To know that my inner being believed I could handle the life that it had chosen. More recently, I wonder if like many legends, tall tales and fables that it was a story told by adults to children to absolve themselves of the responsibility of keeping their children safe in this world.

Because when all is said and done, we save ourselves in adulthood. It is what we have been training for.

Controversial point of view? We can twist any story any which way we like to suit our agenda. We get to choose our beliefs.

Back in March, while I was struggling to start my novel, I heard a sermon about the armor of God. The weekly theme of the series was ‘Battles & Blessings’. I write and talk a lot about how these themes show up concurrently in our lives and how and where to find meaning and purpose in each.

“Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” (Ephesians 6:10-18)

What is the armor and where can I get some, I was thinking? Turns out, we are all born with it. When evil comes for us, we are already equipped to stand our ground.

“….with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place and with your feet already fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace…..take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation (which, incidentally, protects our minds from lies and manipulation) and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”

Hearing this was my call to action. To write my truth. To bring together my experience and the fascination with the ongoing battle between good and evil, for our souls. Generational trauma is also referred to as a generational curse. Trauma can be healed and curses can be broken. There is nothing linear about the process.  I became willing to try anything as what I had already achieved was not enough to break the energetic cycle. I have a significant spiritual leaning and a desire to be searching and thorough in my research, so I needed to tackle my battles and blessings with both in mind.

If I was to finally understand why, despite taking such diligent, holistic and practical steps towards what I really wanted and away from what I didn’t want - that what I didn’t want still kept showing up, cloaked and in disguise as what I did want – and I didn’t see it until it was too late, then I had missed something. The pesky blind spot that I talk about.

That last bit is not strictly true. Prior to moving to France and a long time before, there were many red flags. I spotted them all. I called them out. We discussed them. The problem was that what few boundaries I had were weak. I hadn’t needed to practice strengthening them in my recovery. Everything had been easy. Attachments are complicated and despite being a recovering ‘love avoidant’ with a new Secure Attachment Style, (I did several online tests and checked in with those closest to me) my longest standing and most deeply buried limiting belief was about to show up and my armor was too weak to protect me from that evil. At least it was too weak not to let it in and give it access to every aspect of who I am.

Every dream, fear, insecurity and to entrust it with my future.

In January 2023, we were working at my house in Gigny-sur-Saone. I don’t think I had ever been so cold at that point. We were smashing down walls and clearing out the rubble. The relationship had not enjoyed any kind of honeymoon period. I felt like an annoying house guest. It was lonely and confusing and the devaluing began the moment I arrived.

You can’t keep a good Leo down though and so I applied hope, optimism, humor and kindness to the challenges that I did not yet see for what they really were. Months of textbook psychological, emotional and ultimately, physical abuse ensued. The purpose of this story is to address how I arrived in that situation and my predicament became very clear during this cold and frosty day at my house, when part of me still hoped that everything I had come to France for was still a possibility.

I thought it would be fun to write our limiting beliefs on the last of the walls before we smashed them to dust. Symbolic of a fresh start and a bright future. I went first or I would still be waiting beside that wall.

I wrote ‘I don’t deserve the things I want and desire.’ I hesitated after 'deserve…..' What was going on in my head was conflicted. I thought, ‘I don’t deserve any of this.’ This person, this future, this life. It had seemed as if everything had finally aligned and I was not going to go through the rest of my life, fulfilling my dreams alone. What I wanted to write was ‘I don’t deserve love.’ That was the overarching voice in my head. I didn’t feel safe enough to articulate that.

It just didn’t make sense. Happy, confident, doing all the right things. No outward signs that I was lacking in self-love, self-determination, self-worth or that I would find my dreams turn to nightmares so quickly.

On the surface, I could kid myself that I didn’t know where the belief had come from when I was standing next to a man, in a house that could have been our future life and business. In a new country, having cut all my kite strings to reach for a dynamic future full of fun, friendship and love.

But I knew where it had come from and I had an idea that the bleak and chilling environment and the rubble and wreckage I was standing in, all meant something. I was becoming aware and I could see how willingly I had walked into the trap that had been created for someone just like me.

In the weeks that followed, my spiritual armor protected me. The arrows of fire aimed at the helmet of salvation, the jabs to the heart protected by the breastplate of righteousness while the belt of truth was firmly buckled around my waist. I was seeing clearly and I had to find my way out safely.

In Part 3 I will share when and how that belief was formed and how it has been confirmed by the clairvoyants and Shamans who showed up in my experience last year. And most importantly, how I know it has finally gone!

Thanks for following along. We really appreciate it.

Peace & Love,

Elizabeth & Jonnie